When this kept coming up on one of my games on Facebook I thought, hey, that's how I feel. I know its there somewhere, out in the beyond but I can't quite get it to mesh with what I'm trying to do. Occasionally everything falls into place...well, I help it along by keeping in touch, keeping current, and sticking my nose to the grindstone.
I don't particularly need to be told what to do next. Heck, I can see it for myself. Wishing for three teams to come in and give me a hand is 'pie in the sky'. I used to think that this was a possibility...no kidding. I told myself that it would happen....it didn't...and now I am stuck trying to clean up a mess that has been languishing and growing for some years.
I'm not exaggerating.....I went from 'who cares', to Oh my god, and now picking up what is left. I do sometimes feel that there was a death somewhere close. And it was me! All the spark, humor, positive thoughts vanished. If I gave excuses that would be just it....excuses. I don't feel justified to just curl up and die....as much as I would just like to disappear. Maybe just for a little while.
Life can hand you some pretty awful curve balls. How you handle them is the ultimate test. What I'm trying to say and do is to not necessarily pick up where I left off....that would be suicidal, but go on. That being said I know I have moments of real creativity, but I have learned that sharing my ideas to my family is useless. Yeah, you do crave some positive feedback, but since it isn't there, and never will be, I need to suck it up and 'do it.'
Now I'm not saying I'm a frustrated artist, nor a frustrated writer, just damn frustrated. That has been the case for just too long and I'm tired of it. I imagine my depressing blogs are just as tiring to read. Sorry, it was just a journaling thing that I would vent my spleen. That is not to say I woke this morning and felt it was all over, a new and better me was emerging...Not likely. I still need to get a handle on the damn mess.
I've come to realize that life is short. Making the best of things as they are isn't an option, you really need to get up and out and see what is going on. Being disagreeable has gotten nothing in return. How idiotic the notion that you can change someone, especially when you need a whole lot of changin yourself. That is over. It was time consuming, degrading, and oh so unrewarding. Now come on....who needs that.?
I do have a more than passing interest in animal advocacy. However, the reality is you can't do too much sitting at home at your desk and weeping every time some dysfunctional human clobbers and innocent animal or child, or some unsuspecting, undeserving human. These are battles that seem to have no end game in sight. Yes, you must keep aware and informed but then there are the everyday things that need attention as well.
By everyday things....I've got a sanctuary to run. I've got elderly dogs and cats that need attention and medications. My frustrations with the vet world are loud and clear. I've got a bunch of cats that were unexpected who need care and feeding and vetting. Enough already.
I've got a house that is temporarily saved from the auction block that needs tremendous TLC. And I'm not blowing smoke when I say that .... it is too kind....I really need a demo crew. I know that the helping hand I was hoping for just isn't there. That was a real wake-up call in itself. You do it or it falls apart...and in some cases it did.
I have some plans of action in mind, they do not include teams, helping hands or anything of that nature, it requires me to get up and go , when I'm able, and 'git er done', one way or another.
Coming to terms with what is real is the big victory today. My game state may be out of sync temporarily but I ain't dead yet!
Be safe. Until next time. RD
