Friday, March 25, 2011

I Have Become a Cry Lord.

Good grief....what does that mean?  I have shed my bullet proof heart vest? I have twisted and turned my life into a zwizzle stick and become more human?  Or....I'm depressed. 

I have come to the conclusion that I'm depressed.  I get emails daily....asking the question...Could you be depressed? I used to read them to prove that they must be wrong.  I wouldn't succumb to  not me that used to find humor in just about everything.  It kept me at my computer signing off on one blog or another on just how funny life really was.

Now....I look at my own home page on facebook and weep openly on subjects that a dear to me.  What's this all about?  I watch a television commercial and tear up.  I cry when things are sad, or I'm glad, or when someone says something nice, or not. 

What did I do in the past?  It just used to roll off my back and went on with my day.  Oh sure, I gave it some thought but I didn't become emotional.  I fixed it if I could, or went on to the next thing. Finis....end of thought process.

What happened to my smile?  It's gone.  I often wonder when I see something on the boob tube and the announcer is smiling up a storm and just can't imagine how that is done.  Do they give smile lessons?  I must look to others like a cranky old person. 

Yup, when I used to visit my parents in Sun City.Arizona I would often mention that I was curious why most of the people there looked grumpy.  Did they know they appeared this unfriendly?  Now I do and haven't a clue as to what it is that is making me this way.

I sure have enough the rest of the world, but they manage to put on a happy face and get over it.  No one would know that they are suffering from illness, poverty, hunger.  That is not to say we should band together and have a smile-in.

The news in Japan has been more than unsettling.  These people appear so brave and stoic that I can't imagine myself in their shoes.  Or have they given up....accepting the inevitable, dealing what life has tossed their way?  Of course we identify with their misery more than the usual natural disaster....why because they are an enlightened society, they seemed to have it all. Technology, education, wealth were the hallmarks of they must rebuild to achieve that standard again.

Now I must achieve some semblance of balance.  That is the key word...balance.  Yes, you cry , when things call for tears....but not at television commercials.  I should be able to view my home page without weeping for all the wrongs in this world, but how to help alleviate them in some small measure. 

It is a solitary task in front of me.  Finding balance is never easy, not in a painting, recipe, or life. I need a little time to reach this goal....perhaps I will smile again in the very near future. .

I"m going to make lemonade....share my experiences and become who or what I was with additions like kindness, and caring. 

Take care my never know what lurks behind that bush.rd


Jacqui Binford-Bell said...

I was just saying to myself a couple days ago, "Self, you are depressed." My first serious depression was at 16 and I thought it was all connected to my mother's cancer. Second depression was at 23 and I am not exactly sure how I made it through that but when almost 7 years later another rolled around I went to a doctor for happy pills.

BTW they don't work for me. Just make me more suicidal but he said I probably could expect a depression every 6 to 7 years and they would last 6 to 7 months. I had an episodic form of depression.

I have not counted back the years but it dawned on me when I was crying through another stupid movie that the signs were all there. Fatigue, difficulty getting motivated, excessive playing of dumb computer games, and the crying even over commercials. Figure it has been about a couple months so sometime this summer I will be better.

Some things work for me like exercise and chocolate. The endorphins. Prosaic doesn't. I read a lot, watch and cry through a lot of movies, and make laps for purring cats, and don't beat myself up for lack of motivation. But doing something creative like painting. I put them on a schedule so I don't have to wait for the motivation.

In one of the Star Wars movies they talk about a disturbance in the force. I think what happened in Japan was indeed a disturbance in the force. It upsets the cosmic consciousness. This is bound to effect sensitives, and those on a cusp emotionally. I take heart in that if they can keep on keeping on so can I.

I am with you, friend.

Bee's Blog said...

Hey, hey, hey lady! Would you like to tale stock of what you have been through in the last couple of years? A hip replacement, undiagnosed illness, fibro (?), a daughter being rushed to hospital almost dead, an unwanted visitor, a spirit visiting you, living in an unfriendly area . Shall I go on??? And you ask if you are depressed. If you're not I'd be
asking why not?

You know me - trying to be positive but there comes a point when we are affected by things - be it in our own backyard, home or thousands of miles away in Japan.

How can one look at a disaster of such magnitude (Japan) and not feel something or be reduced to tears? I cry at the ad with the Labrador puppy and the rolls of Andrex toilet paper so you can imagine what happens to me when I see Japan, Libya, Egypt et al? When I see the persecutions and the persecuted? I must cry - if I don't then I'm not living or I am uncaring.

Sometimes 'things' overtake the prescription anti depressants, the tranquillizers and that's good because it means we can still feel.

A girl friend of many years told me it's an 'age thing' - after I described bursting into tears in the mall on hearing Christmas carols and songs last December and how I had a sudden longing to be back in my own country. (Where it was anything but hunky dory!)

Time to tell yourself that you are a kind soul and that if you lived in Japan you would be coping in the best way you'd know how.