I Remember Mama

Of course, Mother's Day is tomorrow, why wouldn't I remember her?  The fact of the matter is I remember her every day of my life.  She is always with me, I talk to her telepathically each and every day.  No longer seeking approval, but advice. Goodness knows I could use it.

She was always there it seemed, one way or another.  She influenced my life more than she will ever know.  Not unlike her in many ways, I struggle on with depression just as she did.  I didn't know at the time that this was such a pervasive problem....or her mania which I secretly loved.

Her ups and downs were often maddening and exciting for a young child.  When she was up....she flew with the birds and she would grab me and take me to the moon with her.  She drove like the wind in her auto.  Not reckless, but a heavy foot that brought her some semblance  of peace.  She flew along the roadways, often singing some of her youthful German songs.  That is how I learned many of the songs that I strum in my mind now....singing along with mom.

She was so talented...she baked, served up feasts for so many friends and family.  No one ever left hungry or felt ignored by her. 

I really think she could do it all.  She played the mandolin.  The house would rock with music when each of the friends or relatives pulled out their instruments, my dad played the violin, my aunt the piano, accordions were pulled out and of course the popular harmonica.  Quite a mix.   In fact, one party got so loud a few glasses cracked....that's what I'm told.

When I began piano lessons she didn't want to feel left out or perhaps wanted to participate in my practice.  She did well....she loved it....I didn't . She always wanted to learn new things, she'd master them and move on to the next. 

She knit, sewed, embroidered, did a multitude of crafts.  Her crowning jewels were her candles.  No one ever left our home during the holidays without a candle.  They were stunning.

She didn't have the patience or persistence to master just one thing.  There  were craft projects everywhere except her craft room, I think dad finally gave her the basement to clutter as she wanted.  She had large banquet-like tables along the walls littered with her various projects.  She always welcomed company and was so generous with her time to teach me or others what she was doing. 

Then there were her animals....we had cats and dogs.  Or she had cats and my dad had the dogs. Never a dull moment...when I came home from school telling her about a friend's litter of kittens she would drop everything  and we'd zoom over there to see if they were being well taken care of.  That is not to say we had a house full of animals...we didn't....but we never were without. 

She was my Girl Scout leader...how embarrassing was that?  Now I would be thrilled, but at the time I thought she was showing off, and picking on me.  Kids!  I remember the Christmas gifts we made under her direction.....soaps with cutout Christmas cards dipped in wax.

When I entered high school she became ill and I was shipped off to another state to attend boarding school.  I missed her terribly, had all the usual teenage angst about being to blame.  All the usual teen drama associated with being cast aside from the family but not neglected by the school .  I grew resentful.

Now I understand quite well that she was suffering from an emotional illness, I would think it would be classified today as bi-polar, or something similar to that.  She never really recovered.  She was withdrawn, and her zest for life only reappeared when she had grandchildren to shower affection on.

Yes, I miss my mom.  I wish I had been able to tell her so many things.  I wanted her to know that I admired her and loved who she was, all of it. In many respects I have become the mirror image of her, I can truly say I can feel her pain and her joy.

I lost my mom a long while ago, but it seems like only yesterday.  I'm grateful that I am able to talk with her every day, it matters so much to me.  I miss you mom. xoxoxo